I think I have a trust issue…but it’s not the normal kind. I don’t trust my own feelings and actions.
Do you ever get the feeling that you are standing outside of yourself, watching as you react to a situation? It doesn’t have to be a bad situation…it can be anything you can think of.
Maybe I’m alone in this…
Anyway, since I was little I’ve recognized that I don’t always respond to people and situations in the way that you’d expect. I remember being in 7th grade and standing with a group of my girlfriends as we said goodbye to a teacher who would not be returning the next year. I really liked this teacher and was sad that she was not coming back…but I wasn’t crying. All the other girls were crying. I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me, so I tried to act sad in the same way they were.
Over the years I have observed myself as I cried, laughed, fumed and reacted; wondering if it would be the same if no one was around to see me. I wasn’t being hypocritical, I just felt like there was something wrong with my emotional responses.
One of my favorite places during a worship service is in the back, behind everyone else. When I’m there I know I won’t be distracted by the idea that people might be watching me and the question of whether I’m doing what I’m doing because it’s genuine or because I feel I should. Today as I was standing in the back of the sanctuary during worship God whispered something to me: “You’re safe with me. I know.”
Suddenly a sense of relief washed over me. I didn’t have to second-guess my reactions with Him; He knows me more intimately than anyone else. It was so freeing to know that God knows my thoughts, my feelings, my deepest desires.
I don’t know that this post really has a point…maybe it’s just to record this moment God gave me today or maybe it will bring encouragement to someone else. Either way, I felt prompted to share it.
Thanks for listening…
0 Responses
I feel the exact same way when I’m up there leading.
I have this conflict inside about how I should be playing, and wondering if people are worshipping or just listening.
There are times when I hold back when I want to just let loose. This conflict can make me feel like I should just be laying down a simple beat. But if I did that, I know it wouldn’t be my true worship, because letting loose is my expression and my worship.
I think his words to you help me know that I don’t have to worry about it. I’ll just continue to let him work in me, and use my gift for him. If letting loose is what’s needed at the time, I’ll just know.
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be as a musician to be up front each week leading. It would be so hard to not feel pride in the talent and abilities God has given you…even as you’re using them to praise Him. I think you’re right to believe that God will let you know when it will benefit the worship service for you to let loose. Some of the most anointed times of worship I’ve ever been in are when the musicians are all jamming together and using their talent to glorify God. Thanks for the comment!
Beautiful post, Melissa! I can definitely relate to what you wrote. And the words God whispered to you, “You are safe with me…” made my heart let out a big, happy sigh. Thanks for sharing!
Wow! Thanks for commenting. 🙂 My heart let out that same sigh when I heard them. It’s such a relief knowing that He knows me and still loves me.
I’m the exact opposite. I like to sit way up in the front, where I can’t see hardly any heads in front of me. Then, I feel like it’s just me & God. Thanks for sharing your fave books, Melissa over at Faith Barista today!
Whenever I go on Soarin’ Over California at California Adventure I want to sit in the front row so that I don’t have all the other people’s feet dangling in front of me, reminding me that it’s just a ride. I can see how being in the front can bring that sense of isolation. I guess it’s the little kid in me that just wants to keep turning around to see if anyone is watching. Haha! Thanks for your comment and I’m about to check back on your blog to update my reading list!
Ahhh. Seriously, I read this (“You’re safe with me. I know.”), and I felt my heart ease and breathe. Thank you. For sharing this. Truly.
That is so good to hear! I always wonder when I post something if it will mean anything to others. I’m so happy you connected with it…that’s why I’m doing it. Thanks for the comment!
I can identify with you. I’ve definitely felt that way before. When I was engaged I kept questioning my emotions because I didn’t feel all mushy and did call my man every 5 seconds like so many of my friends. I compared my responses with others. I’ve learned a lot since then. Anyway, loved your post and found you via Chatting at the Sky.
Thanks for clicking over! Isn’t hard not to compare our relationships to those around us. It took me years to discover that things don’t always look the same on the outside as they are on the inside. Glad you stopped by!
I love to sit way in the back in church. I don’t want other eyes on me. I like to shrink into myself and not be noticed. But when I do that I shrink away from the Father also. Thanks for this perspective. I needed to hear it.