{forgotten}

I entered four different passwords to log in to my blog today. Three times the words “wrong password” flashed on the screen. I had forgotten it; usually I don’t need to log in. Too much time has passed since I was last here, and the system had signed me out.

Life has been full since our move, and finding time to sit down to process has been difficult. There seems to always be someone around or something to do. I’m not complaining, just observing.

Observing…I’ve been doing a lot of that.

Waiting to see what the next day will bring, because our plans seems to change as quickly as the weather here. One day it’s splash through the sprinklers sunny, and the next it’s grab a hoodie and coffee drizzly. All I can do is watch and act accordingly. God has unsettled me, wrenching away my control and ability to guess the future — a lesson I thought I’d learned years ago; I find I’m still at the remedial level.

Last night I had a dream that I was being chased by a train. Running down the tracks, peering back over my shoulder at the metal and speed bearing down on me, I struggled to catch my breath and stumbled over my own feet.

Get out of the way,” flashed in my mind.

Jumping to the left, the train sped by and I realized that it never was chasing me. The train was just moving along the tracks like it was supposed to, it was my decision to try to stay ahead of it that made it seem ominous. Once I’d allowed it to pass, I realized I could walk the tracks behind it — quietly and peacefully — following its lead.

Why am I always trying to stay one step ahead of God? What is it in me that won’t just step out of the way and quietly follow His lead? Pride, independence, control? These are all traits I’ve never been lacking in.

I have no idea where this train is leading, and all of my attempts to guess what’s ahead have left me depleted and confused. The first few weeks up here Josh and I kept trying to explain to people why we moved back and what we were doing. The explanations fell flat because how do you explain something you aren’t certain of yourself? So we tried to “help” God by guessing what He’s doing with us.

Fact: that doesn’t help God and it makes you look flaky.

So, I’m observing the skies and the signs, catching glimpses of what God is already doing and waiting for Him to reveal more of His plan to us. Spending my days at splash parks, friends’ homes and watching the kids ride their new bikes.

                                                              

At least in those spaces I haven’t forgotten the password.

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17 thoughts on “{forgotten}

  1. If I’m being honest, it’s because He’s so quiet I don’t trust that He would actually lead me. That if I don’t keep going then nothing at all will happen.

    • You’re not alone in this, Jason. It’s easy to assume that when God is silent He’s not paying attention. Or, when you feel a deadline looming (whether real or self-imposed), to become anxious that He won’t show up in time. My thought in times like those is that my only option is to believe that God will come through. Imagine life if we didn’t have that hope?! I can’t not trust in Him. I keep thinking of Law & Order: they ALWAYS take away the critical evidence, which means the way they win will be even more spectacular. Haha!

  2. Oh man! This post reminds me of my own struggle when we moved back to the area five years ago. I was unemployed for almost six months and underemployed for about fifteen. God was definitely doing something big, but it was impossible to define for others. A related struggle I faced was how to define my identity when unemployed. God eventually brought me to a place where, as you said, I was able to peacefully follow His lead content with experiencing the unique situation I was in at the time.

    As I embark on this next stage of the journey in graduate school, I find myself slipping back into old patterns. People want to ask what I hope to do with the degree I am pursuing, and often I try “to ‘help’ God by guessing what He’s doing.” I can see clearly what He is doing in my life with this adventure right now, but I’m learning that I can’t predict the future and that God simply doesn’t tell me more than I need to know to keep walking in relationship with Him.

    • Especially for men (husbands) I know that providing for your loved ones is such a major part of your identity. Josh was definitely going a little stir crazy before he began working again. :)

      Trying to explain why your doing something, and your only REAL reason is, “God told me to,” is so difficult. Some people do get it, but sometimes it seems to pinpoint the anxiety we’re walking in as we follow Him. I liked what you said: “God simply doesn’t tell me more than I need to know to keep walking in relationship with Him.” That’s perfect.

      So excited to see you guys tomorrow!!

  3. Watching for God…waiting for God…it’s not always easy. Well, maybe NEVER easy. ha. But it’s also good and right when we do it. I pray that he’ll give you answers in his perfect time about what is next.

    • Thanks, Lisa! I am working on being content in unrest and uncertainty. My main worry is actually for my children, but I’m also believing that God knows what’s best for them as well as for me. :)

  4. I love this Melissa. I absolutely know how exhausting running ahead (or trying to) of the train can be. Learning to trust has always been a challenge for me. Yet, He always and faithfully shows me the way. In His time.
    Your kids are so cute!

  5. It’s so easy for me to define myself by what I plan to do in the future. I think that’s been part of my biggest struggle with motherhood-there is no end to mothering, no finished product, no degree. And, it’s been hard for me to really truly put myself on the back burner as I raise my boys. I’m constantly clawing for “Keri” to come back, but I need to accept that Keri is changing and allow God to work the changes He desires to work in me. It’s been so much harder than I would have ever imagined.

    I have a really hard time reflecting when I’m busy, so I get where you’re coming from. Can’t wait to speak more in depth in person again. {HUGS}

  6. Yeah…I get this. We left full time ministry in South Africa about 11 months ago, and we came back to our hometown in the US to take some time and see what God had for us next. People were questioning and some even held us at arms length. It has been a full season of letting God take the lead even when it doesn’t make any sense at all or when people just don’t have time or grace to support you in the journey! I am TRYING to wait and just LET Him be in control too!

    Encouragement to you from afar!

  7. What a beautiful post Melissa! I HEAR what you are saying loud and clear. The journey that I am on with my Dad is teaching me so much about how little control I really do have and how much God really does have. Blessings to you my dear!

  8. That train analogy was so right on!!! Glad you are getting time with friends and family. I can imagine how special that is after living away for so long! Love ya roomie!!

  9. I can relate so well to this post. I’m in a season where nothing about my future seems clear, even my present is a little shaky. It’s so easy to believe I have so much I have to figure out. I act as if God needs my help. Thanks for such a great reminder that God should be in front of me not the other way around.

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