I entered four different passwords to log in to my blog today. Three times the words “wrong password” flashed on the screen. I had forgotten it; usually I don’t need to log in. Too much time has passed since I was last here, and the system had signed me out.
Life has been full since our move, and finding time to sit down to process has been difficult. There seems to always be someone around or something to do. I’m not complaining, just observing.
Observing…I’ve been doing a lot of that.
Waiting to see what the next day will bring, because our plans seems to change as quickly as the weather here. One day it’s splash through the sprinklers sunny, and the next it’s grab a hoodie and coffee drizzly. All I can do is watch and act accordingly. God has unsettled me, wrenching away my control and ability to guess the future — a lesson I thought I’d learned years ago; I find I’m still at the remedial level.
Last night I had a dream that I was being chased by a train. Running down the tracks, peering back over my shoulder at the metal and speed bearing down on me, I struggled to catch my breath and stumbled over my own feet.
“Get out of the way,” flashed in my mind.
Jumping to the left, the train sped by and I realized that it never was chasing me. The train was just moving along the tracks like it was supposed to, it was my decision to try to stay ahead of it that made it seem ominous. Once I’d allowed it to pass, I realized I could walk the tracks behind it — quietly and peacefully — following its lead.
Why am I always trying to stay one step ahead of God? What is it in me that won’t just step out of the way and quietly follow His lead? Pride, independence, control? These are all traits I’ve never been lacking in.
I have no idea where this train is leading, and all of my attempts to guess what’s ahead have left me depleted and confused. The first few weeks up here Josh and I kept trying to explain to people why we moved back and what we were doing. The explanations fell flat because how do you explain something you aren’t certain of yourself? So we tried to “help” God by guessing what He’s doing with us.
Fact: that doesn’t help God and it makes you look flaky.
So, I’m observing the skies and the signs, catching glimpses of what God is already doing and waiting for Him to reveal more of His plan to us. Spending my days at splash parks, friends’ homes and watching the kids ride their new bikes.
At least in those spaces I haven’t forgotten the password.