Thoughts from the Pot: The Random Musings of a Husband

Apparently my husband has decided to take on an authorly frame of mind, and he’s hijacking my space to do it…

The thoughts and opinions presented below are not necessarily those of the host of this blog.

Thank you for your understanding.

::

I’ve tried to explain to the delightful Mrs. Brotherton that I have a malady, a syndrome, a genetic predisposition to my behavior.

My condition is in no way life threatening, the most pronounced side effect is an uncomfortable tingling in my lower limbs. Unless properly treated, my illness can cause, as I like to call it, “Radical Turbo Rage Fire,” or, as the aforementioned delightful Mrs. Brotherton calls it, “Grumpy Face.”

It flares up several times a day, and usually at inopportune moments: when I’m asked to clean the kitchen, diapers need to be changed or when the only possible option for television viewing is NCIS or LAW & ORDER.

The severity is exacerbated (you should all be impressed by my incredible vocabularical knowledgeness) by how recently I have received the latest issue of “National Geographic,” “Smithsonian,” or “Relevant.”

Despite the growth I have achieved in my communication skills, and the extensive labor I have done to make myself easier to understand; nothing seems to work.

My wife still does not comprehend.

The paper-thin building materials from the Ukraine used to fabricate my apartment that we’re speaking through, must be muffling the important aspects of my case. You would think that the location of our conversation would be explanation enough.

Like my father, and his father before him, I have Bathroom Duration Disorder (BDD).

I need a support group with some sort of 12-step program; please contact me if you have any information regarding local chapters of BDD Anonymous. Or even, BDD Obvious, I just need some help.

In her delusional confusion (she refuses to accept or try to understand), the delightful Mrs. Brotherton has questioned — rather violently (I have a bruise) — what I could be doing during a flare-up of BDD. In my desperation, I have repeatedly explained to her that Quasimodo-like, I need sanctuary.

I have an instinctual desire to find patterns in the texture on the bathroom wall; I found a dog and a smiley, winky face. To quote my Grandpa:

Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits. {Grandpa}

It is odd how I come home Quasimodo/Darth Vader, my horde of children fleeing in terror like scared villagers, and only 30 super short minutes later emerge from the bathroom a delightful Disney Dad, clad in sweater vest and sporting a pipe, with a slight limp from sitting too long.

In addition to this change in demeanor, my prolonged lavatory stay produces epiphanies that can no longer be communicated through Facebook status updates and anecdotes to friends. These thoughts must be shared with others. Since my wife is a famous, world-renowned bloggerator, I will periodically be hijacking her space to share my “Thoughts from the Pot.”

Please subscribe so that you do not miss out on any of the illuminations I receive while pondering the meaning of life in my tile and porcelain sanctuary.

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42 Comments

  1. LOVE it!!! I have to show this to my husband! He is the same way. He goes in and comes back out a half hour later! :) Will stay tuned!

    1. Melissa says:

      Yeah! We call it “hiding.” Haha!

    2. The Husband says:

      Your husband has a deeper understanding of the world and the meaning of life. There is a good chance that one day he will come out of the loo and exclaim, “I know how to cure cancer! Ebola! and High Gas PRICES!”
      I do that every day. I need to make sure that the people around me know I’m doing very important things in there and not blankly staring at the wall.

  2. Kelly Sauer says:

    Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. Melissa, do all us girls who think like we do have husbands like ours? My husband’s comment on reading this post:

    “Flip man. I like him”

    God knows we need ’em. On the pot and off.

    1. Melissa says:

      Oh, Kelly! It warms my heart to know I’m not the only BDD widow. Haha! And yes, I don’t know what I’d do without him.

    2. The Husband says:

      I will now start using the euphemism, “Flip.” Give him a hearty thank you!

  3. Tony Alicea says:

    This is awesome dude. I have the same genetic disposition. So much so that my legs routinely fall asleep while suffering from this plight.

    1. Melissa says:

      Haha! Maybe you’re brothers…

    2. The Husband says:

      I am glad that I have found a BDD brother! Are you local? We could start our own support group.

  4. Prudence says:

    ha ha. It’s a joke in my family about how every time it was my brother’s turn to do the dishes, he magically ended up in the bathroom after dinner. Must be a male thing.

    1. Melissa says:

      At least it was after dinner! My FIL has a tendency to disappear just as we’re ready to sit down. :)

    2. The Husband says:

      I’m pretty sure that the word “dishes” is a laxative. I also have that distinction in my family.

  5. craig says:

    First let me say how awesome it is to meet the man behind the woman. And your vocabularical knowledgeness is perfect I’m compreknowing everything you say.

    When I ran a group home for kids I used the bathroom to escape, I’ve heard that many women do. I am shocked – NAY – outraged that the afore mentioned Mrs. Brotherton does not get it.

    And some of the most inspirational stuff I’ve ever received came in the bathroom. I’ll be looking forward to more of this erudite prose. Fist bump and bro hug for the man.

    1. Melissa says:

      I can’t wait for Josh to read your comment, Craig! :) He’s “indisposed” right now. Haha!

  6. Dana says:

    Josh, you are so hilarious!!!! I always loved your sense of humor! Melissa, I think you found a regular guest blogger! Maybe a “Tuesday’s thoughts from the pot?” :)

    And what’s wrong with NCIS and Law and Order? :)

    1. Melissa says:

      I know?! Right!! I am obsessed with NCIS — hope God doesn’t make me give up my TV now. Haha!

    2. The Husband says:

      You may be giving me too much credit. Every Tuesday is a little much. I’m more of a “just sits” person than a “sits and thinks” person.

      And as for NCIS and Law & Order; one has too many capitol letters and the other has an ampersand. Ampersands were created by pagans. It’s an evil sign. Avoid it at all costs!

      Also, HI!

  7. kelybreez says:

    I have a strategy… So many times God speaks to me while I’m in the shower. Therefore, if at later times in the day I think God might be wanting to speak, I go and sit NEAR the shower for extended periods. Just so happens there’s a potty there.

    It is well worth the lower legs going to sleep.

    It is quiet. It is alone. It is reading time.

    And in a house with 6 kids, it is my only place of solace.

    My younger children actually spurn the urge to defecate, and only finally do so when it becomes absolutely necessary (i.e. it’s gonna come out if they don’t stop playing, and no amount of sitting very still, or alternately, dancing from foot to foot, is gonna keep it in there).

    I, on the other hand — and all of my brethren will attest to this truth — wait with baited breath for the moment… Could it be?! Is that it? Is that the sweet, wooing voice of nature I hear upon the wind?…

    Alas, in case it is her soothing voice, I will retire to the special place, 1.5 feet from the shower, where I can enjoy sweet repose… and momentarily (translated 30 minutes, yes)

    … become indisposed.

    1. Melissa says:

      That was beautiful. Pure poetry. :)

    2. The Husband says:

      I always appreciate it when another full-growed man uses the word, “potty.”
      “I, on the other hand — and all of my brethren will attest to this truth — wait with baited breath for the moment… Could it be?! Is that it? Is that the sweet, wooing voice of nature I hear upon the wind?…” Sooooo True and so funny!

  8. Julie Anne says:

    Seriously, this made me laugh… What is it with guys and their sanctuary time?!?!

    1. Melissa says:

      I know, right?! It makes me wonder what the female counterpart is…bubblebaths? Pedicures? Staying up way too late at night (that one’s mine).

  9. Jason says:

    My wife has never raised an issue with my sanctuary time. In fact, she freely tells me that she won’t interrupt that time because she doesn’t want to know what causes the oddly green colored vapor that seeps through the cracks in the door.

    1. The Husband says:

      You either need to see a doctor or you are a mad scientist. I prefer to think Mad Scientist… “I’m going to take over the Woooooo (choke gasp hack)rld!” (That green smoke is acrid!)

  10. lauren says:

    so stinkin funny.

  11. jasonS says:

    Josh, that was awesome. Big words and toilet humor? Totally my favorite. You seem to be very perspicacious. I was wondering though, are the thoughts actually from the pot or from you, on the pot? Either way, I’ll be happy to read them.

    1. Melissa says:

      I don’t know that word either… :)

  12. The Husband says:

    You lost me with that “perspicacious” thingy. But, by the POWER OF CONTEXT CLUES!!! I thank you.

    As for the origination of thoughts… who know where thoughts come from?

    1. jasonS says:

      Ha! You had me cornered so I had to use the big word that I know. :)

      1. Melissa says:

        That’s very reminiscent of WWFs. {sad face}

  13. Janelle says:

    Yes, but does he bring his guitar, ala Jonathan?

    1. The Husband says:

      and I sing my little heart out. (the acoustics are awesome)

    2. Melissa says:

      Remind me never to play Jonathan’s guitar. :)

  14. Nikole Hahn says:

    What a great idea! This is too funny! Of course, it’s not my husband who does this at our home, but ME. Sad, isn’t it? I have demaned women everywhere because I stay too long in the Bathroon and I leave the seat up.

    1. The Husband says:

      NO! You have not demeaned them! You have merely set them free! BE FREE SISTERS! EMBRACE AND ENJOY YOUR POTTY TIME!

      1. The Husband says:

        You should probably put the toilet seat down though…

    2. Melissa says:

      Ok, I don’t leave the seat up, but I do stay too long in the bathroom. Actually, I go in there to hide during the day for a break from the kids. And I KNOW I’m not the only one who does this. :)

  15. V.V. Denman says:

    “vocabularical knowledgeness” I love it!

    1. Melissa says:

      Haha! That’s Josh for you. :) He’s like a walking thesaurus…or imaginary dictionary. :)

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