216 days

Today’s not a milestone. There’s no special reason for feeling the way I do.

It’s been a little over 7 months.

216 days.

5184 hours (give or take a few).

Today I really miss my grandma.

I’m realizing more and more that there are just days like this. The grief isn’t triggered by a song, a occassion or a holiday. It’s just a normal day that’s no longer normal because she’s not here to share it.

Life is moving on.

Silas had his four-month check-up. He weighs 18.5 lbs! I can’t call her and hear her laugh about what a big baby he is. Last week I pulled out a box of hand-me-downs for him, and mixed in among the shirts and pants were memories of shopping trips with her to buy those clothes for Ezra.

Eli’s adjusting to the routine of Kindergarten. She didn’t get to see his first day pictures. The stories about his first crush and his loose tooth are lost to her.

The holidays are coming. I’m preparing my to-do list for our annual Thanksgiving meal. She used to have everyone over to her house for turkey, pink fluff salad and homemade pies. I don’t even want to think about what everyone at home will be feeling. I at least have the slight detachment of being two states away to keep me sane.

My mind still rebels against the thought of never seeing her again. Tears still well up in my eyes, cascading down my face, when Eli blurts out, “Grandma Bev is in heaven. We’ll never see her again.

We’ll never see her again…here where I’m currently living out my life.

My heart aches when I see pictures of my grandpa, posted by family on Facebook. He looks almost the same, but you can tell a piece of him is missing.

Pin pricks of loss sting me each day. A quick wish to call her. Momentary flashes of memories. Just her name.

It’s not fair. This isn’t what I wanted. She should be here.

::

Blessed be Your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s ‘all as it should be’
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

{Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman}

::

Today is not a milestone.

Today I’m choosing to bless the name of the Lord, even when I don’t understand.

Do you have an area in your life where you’re trusting God and not leaning on your own understanding?

Is there a song you go to when you’re needing encouragement?

{Sign up to have my posts emailed to you {for free} or delivered to your reader}
Advertisements

20 Comments

  1. lara says:

    Believing the Comforter will truly comfort as you praise Him regardless.

    1. Melissa says:

      So appreciated! Thank you, Lara!

  2. jasonS says:

    Amen. He is worthy of praise no matter what, but He is faithful to love us and surround us with His presence and comfort. Praying a deeper experience of those things today, Melissa. Blessings.

    1. Melissa says:

      Thanks Jason, sometimes it’s just good to put the feelings into words so that I can embrace it and walk through it. :) Thanks for always listening.

  3. apesydaisy says:

    “And I’ll praise You in this storm
    And I will lift my hands
    For You are who You are
    No matter where I am
    And every tear I’ve cried
    You hold in Your hand
    You never left my side
    And though my heart is torn
    I will praise You in this storm”

    I am right there with you…there are days I greatly miss my Mamaw, especially in January because we would share a birthday since hers was 2 days away from mine.

    1. Melissa says:

      Those are beautiful lyrics! Thank you so much for sharing them. What song is that from? And, praying for you as you are missing someone too. The normal days are hard, but the holidays and special occasions are definitely more difficult.

      1. April says:

        Its called praise you in this storm by casting crowns

        1. Melissa says:

          Thanks, I’ll have to check it out. :)

  4. amber says:

    I’m sorry it was a hard day. I think what makes those even harder is the fact that they come out of nowhere. But I love the song! It is such a good reminder to bless God and rejoice in the day that the Lord made… even if it’s a tough one.
    During a particularly hard time in my life, God showed me the verses Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. He reminded me that there is a time and a place for everything. This is just a season and that “this too shall pass”. I have a necklace with the seasons on it that I wear all the time… but especially when I’m having a rough day. It reminds me that everything will be ok and that God is with me through whatever season I may be in.

    1. Melissa says:

      Thanks Amber. Those are beautiful, encouraging words. Whenever we sing this song I always remember singing it right after I lost the baby. I remember standing there in college group and singing it AT God. Like I was telling Him that I wasn’t happy with what had happened, I wasn’t feeling better, but I was going to bless His name regardless. I felt like He responded to me by saying that He wasn’t happy with it either and that He would give me the strength to walk through it. I think that bad things happen in this world and it grieves God to see it too. Like how Jesus wept over the city of Jerusalem.

  5. LS says:

    so funny you posted “blessed be your name”. . .that is the song i went straight to early monday morning. . .another i really love that has been on repeat today is “all that i can say” DCB*. praying for you friend and hoping your grandma and mine are hanging out praising Jesus together :)

    1. Melissa says:

      I’ve never heard that other song…now I’ll have to go check it out. :) Thanks for your prayers, Lauren.

  6. Keri says:

    Melissa…I think it’s so wonderful that you had such a precious relationship with your grandma. It’s something I have never really had. I can only imagine your sadness. Maybe you could create a playlist in your itunes with the songs recommended just for when you’re having a rough day. I thought of a couple you could add. :)

    1. Melissa says:

      Great idea, Keri! I’ll have to check out the songs…I liked the other song you showed me. :)

  7. The holidays are hard times after losing a loved one. I remember after my mother died, I was amazed at how severe death is. There are no more opportunities. It’s still hard for me to realiize it.

    1. Melissa says:

      Thanks for your kind words here, Cassandra. It is severe and hard to realize.

  8. Janelle says:

    I’ve been feeling exactly the same way, only I didn’t put it as eloquently. My exact words I believe were, “It just keeps on sucking SO MUCH.” Like I will think it is getting easier for a few weeks, then I just get overwhelmed again. And I didn’t even see her every day! I can’t imagine, it just breaks my heart. And I’m making the pink stuff for mom’s house this year :)

    1. Melissa says:

      Yes, it does just keep sucking, SO MUCH!! I was watching a Food Network Challenge about Thanksgiving dinner the other day and started sobbing. They had a video where each of the contestants received a message from a family member they hadn’t seen in a long time. The person on the video was talking about how much they wished they could be there with them for Thanksgiving. Then, the host surprised the contestants by having the family member be there to help them in the contest. And. I. Lost it. Because I want Grandma to be there, and she isn’t going to surprise us by showing up on Thanksgiving. Ugh…I’m really happy that Grandpa is going to be at our house this year though.

Comments are closed.