In a crisis…I’m your woman.
When decisions need to be made, people taken care of or action taken I think fast, push through and get it done.
Then I lie down in the middle of the street.
I was talking to my mom and she told me she was worried about me.
She said I do too much, don’t know when to quit, and she’s afraid that one day I’m just going to drop dead in the middle of the street from exhaustion.
At first I laughed, because my whole life she’s been telling me to slow down and accept help.
My first sentence was, “Sissa do it self.”
But last weekend I really thought about it.
I realized that although I haven’t dropped on the pavement yet, I am standing in the middle of the street.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Psalm 42:5
I’ve dealt with depression for the majority of my life.
By now I’ve gotten to the point where I can sense it coming, see the triggers and choose whether or not I will succumb to it. Because in some ways depression is very comforting. The idea of curling up into a little ball within myself and shutting everyone out sounds…peaceful.
But that is a lie straight from the pit of hell.
Because although Satan would love for me to give in to those SELF-pitying, SELF-centered, SELF-loathing (are you seeing a pattern) thoughts, I know that it is anything but peaceful.
My husband would watch as I slowly moved away from him mentally, regardless of how physically close we were.
My children would feel neglected and confused as mommy shut herself in her room and let them watch TV all day.
And my spirit would rebel against the lies my mind was churning out, but find that the waves of depression are a lot easier to enter than to leave.
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8
God revealed to me that there was something more going on than sleep deprivation and stress.
A battle was being waged and I needed to be on the alert.
I sensed depression hanging over me, slowly moving in like a storm cloud. It peeked around the corner, it lurked in the shadows, it was waiting for me to invite it in.
And honestly, I was so tired and overwhelmed that I was beginning to welcome it. A little “me time” sounded nice. But this was not the healthy kind of “me time,” and I knew God was calling me to arms.
I told Josh what I was sensing. The next day at church I spoke with a couple of people who promised to pray for me throughout the week. I was raising my defenses.
Having dealt with this for so long, I should have been more aware that it was coming. As you know, if you’ve been reading here the last couple of months, things have been hectic for the Brothertons. Deaths, graduation, birth, travel, and a new school year have all been handled and now we’re in a down time.
There are no crises for me to handle.
No goals for me to attain.
No tasks at hand other than the day-to-dayness of being a SAHM of four children–which through its sheer neverending repetition is another trigger.
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11
I poured over the Psalms when I was in college. I remember when I first discovered Psalm 13, Psalm 42 and Psalm 43; the wonder I felt at finding that someone from so long ago could perfectly describe what I was experiencing.
And I found hope in them.
In Psalm 13, David says:
But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me.
In Psalm 43 we read:
Send forth Your light and Your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to Your holy mountain, to the place where You dwell. Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight.
Trust. Rejoice. Sing.
These men fought back.
It is not easy.
I needed the support of my husband. The prayer covering of other believers. The Spirit of God.
So, Mom, don’t worry.
This time Sissa asked for help.