I think I have a trust issue…but it’s not the normal kind. I don’t trust my own feelings and actions.
Do you ever get the feeling that you are standing outside of yourself, watching as you react to a situation? It doesn’t have to be a bad situation…it can be anything you can think of.
Maybe I’m alone in this…
Anyway, since I was little I’ve recognized that I don’t always respond to people and situations in the way that you’d expect. I remember being in 7th grade and standing with a group of my girlfriends as we said goodbye to a teacher who would not be returning the next year. I really liked this teacher and was sad that she was not coming back…but I wasn’t crying. All the other girls were crying. I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me, so I tried to act sad in the same way they were.
Over the years I have observed myself as I cried, laughed, fumed and reacted; wondering if it would be the same if no one was around to see me. I wasn’t being hypocritical, I just felt like there was something wrong with my emotional responses.
One of my favorite places during a worship service is in the back, behind everyone else. When I’m there I know I won’t be distracted by the idea that people might be watching me and the question of whether I’m doing what I’m doing because it’s genuine or because I feel I should. Today as I was standing in the back of the sanctuary during worship God whispered something to me: “You’re safe with me. I know.”
Suddenly a sense of relief washed over me. I didn’t have to second-guess my reactions with Him; He knows me more intimately than anyone else. It was so freeing to know that God knows my thoughts, my feelings, my deepest desires.
I don’t know that this post really has a point…maybe it’s just to record this moment God gave me today or maybe it will bring encouragement to someone else. Either way, I felt prompted to share it.
Thanks for listening…
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