Five Minute Friday: Disappointment

Disappointment was what I felt when I checked Lisa-Jo’s site for this week’s Five Minute Friday prompt. I didn’t join up last week, and was looking forward to the community and inspiration. Here’s my attempt to participate, despite my lack of prompt. I still followed the rules: write for five minutes, and don’t go back and edit.

GO

I hesitate to call them disappointments.

However, I am left without an appropriate word for the situations we have continually found ourselves up against since our move.

A string of disappointments.

Followed by glimpses of hope…that God cares, that He knows, that He’s working.

I loved the light today. Another one of those familiar things that I had allowed time and distance to erase from my memory. Overcast skies, like a blanket of steely gray cotton rolled out over the Puget Sound. Shots of sunlight, bursting through small tears in the cloud layer. The contrast of gloom and brilliancy tricks the eyes into tinting the landscape. Like in those movies where they shoot through filters.

Today was filtered in blue. Not a primary blue that is fit only for kid’s rooms, but a cadet blue. It seemed to be more a reflection in a sheet of stainless steel than real life.

Is that what is meant by silver lining?

Every disappointment is actually a redirection. I can’t call them disappointments because God has always come through with something better. There is confusion and grieving over what we thought would be — it would feel false if there wasn’t — yet we press on forward in confidence that God’s plan is greater.

The be still and know, the lean not on your own, the hear and obey.

Allowing God’s brilliancy to pierce the fog of our understanding, and tint the whole world with Him.

STOP

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{photo source}

Jumble

The sound of raindrops on the skylight startled me. I’d forgotten the once familiar noise; thought maybe a cat burglar (or just a cat) had landed on our roof.

It made me wonder what else that is now common place and overlooked I will one day jump at.

I’ve forgotten the sound of Eli crying.

Mothers can differentiate between their child’s cry and another’s. I was sad that Baby Eli is in some ways now lost to me.

Ezra has pretty much potty trained himself this weekend. My theory is that he’s fed up with waiting for me to settle down and get to it. Postponing seems to be our way of life these past few months. So, he’s taken it upon himself to make use of his froggy toilet. His cheerleading skills are equally impressive.

We’re still not in our own place. Which means that I’m making the hour round trip to the kids’ school twice a day. The words of Eugene Peterson on being a pastor have been my companion. Arthur Morey’s voice is so soothing.

I might actually miss my drive time.

We’re moving this Saturday! Luckily the majority of our possessions are still stacked in boxes in my mom’s garage. It should be our easiest move ever.

Tonight we asked the kids what they’re most excited to unpack.

Cora said Barbies…

Ezra said cars…

Eli yelled, “Wii!”

None of those items have been asked for in the past three months.

I’m really looking forward to a reunion with my Kitchenaid stand mixer and my crock pot. I’ve missed them.

It will be nice to be home; to become familiar again.

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Five Minute Friday: Loss

Words have been hard to come by for me this week. As Josh and I prepared for our move, we talked about how differently we process change. He experiences the emotions prior to the change — the fear, grief, elation and anticipation — whereas I deal with it all once the change has occurred. These last couple of days have been difficult. For weeks I have been numb, going through the motions of saying goodbye and hello without any of the accompanying feelings. That is over, and I am currently slogging through it all…

…as you can see from my response to Lisa-Jo’s Five Minute Friday prompt: loss.

GO

Moving seems like dying to me. As I experience the loss of my grandma, I was amazed at how quickly life moved on without her. Yes, there was a mourning process, and I longed for her to come back. My kids still needed to be fed, though. Babies were born, people were married, groceries were bought; the mundane and the epic still occurred without her.

Life moves on in our old home without us. And for us, in this new place, we still need to do laundry and cook meals. It’s all just done in a new location.

Ezra won’t say goodnight to my mom. Each night we tell him to give her a kiss and say goodnight, and he says no. During the day he’s fine with her, it’s just that nighttime routine that he won’t budge on. He insists that this is not his house — and he’s right. This is not our home, it is my mom and step dad’s home which they have so graciously opened to us for our transitional period.

He feels a loss. What was normal is gone, and he’s set adrift in the unknown.

STOP

After a sporadic couple of weeks, I plan on returning to a more normal level of consistency around here next Monday. Have a great weekend!!

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Randomness

I’m still processing all of the change that has occurred in my life in the past week. The last time I sat down to write I was in my apartment in Southern California, tonight I sit in a bedroom in my mom’s house in Washington. My worldly goods are in boxes, we have no idea what the next week will bring about, and it’s all a little bit overwhelming.

This will be random, sporadic and scattered…you’ve been warned.

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Josh and I have moved a lot in our 10 years of marriage. Never in any of our moves have we experienced the outpouring of love, assistance and generosity that we had shown to us by our friends last week. Without those people, we would never have been able to accomplish all we did. God truly blessed us through our community of friends and our church. Walls were wiped down, holes were filled, boxes were carried, children were watched, toilets were cleaned and food was bought! I am immensely thankful for everyone who gave of their time, strength and resources to assist us…and on a holiday, too!!

::

It took us two days, and a total of 25 hours driving to get our two cars, two U-Haul trailers, and four children to Washington. We left Southern California Wednesday morning, and had to stop an hour into our drive to re-balance my trailer. Never having driven a trailer before, I was unaware that the violent fish-tailing was a sign something was wrong. It wasn’t until after we’d unloaded and reloaded the trailer that we realized we didn’t pray before starting out that morning.

Who knows if that hour of delay could have been avoided by a few minutes of prayer.

Apparently we didn’t learn our lesson the first time, because on day two we got stuck for over an hour in a traffic jam that began five miles from our hotel. Thursday was all around difficult. The kids had already spent one whole day in the car, and they weren’t too chipper about doing it again. Every hour and a half found us stopping for one reason or another: gas, coffee, potty, food, running laps around a truck stop. We drove for 14 hours that second day; sad when you consider that once Josh & I did the entire trip in 17 hours.

::

Day Two was difficult time-wise, but it also provided some of my favorite landscapes! Crossing the bridge over Lake Shasta always freaks me out, because I want to look at the lake and I’m terrified I’ll drive our car right off through not paying attention. Still, the red dirt, the sparkling water and the steep hills always take my breath away.

Driving through the Siskiyous, I opened my windows to enjoy the cool breeze after the heat of Central California. The scent of campfires and cedar, combined with the crisp air and blue/white mountain peaks made me dizzy. All I could do was sit in wonder and awe at the glory of God’s creation.

Another awe-inspiring vista is the rolling hills found between Weed, CA and Yreka, CA. Coming down out of the mountains you find a ruler straight road that looks out onto waves of hills dotted with farms. Every time we drive through there Josh and I talk about living in a place like that someday. It’s amazing!

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Josh and I not only split up our possessions between the two trailers, we split up our kids too. I had Silas and Elijah for the entire trip. I think I got the better end of the deal; Silas was super quiet and slept a lot, and Eli played his Nintendo DS almost the entire time. This gave me a lot of time for thinking:

  • About how driving a trailer forces you to be content with going slower than others, and that sometimes I feel like that’s how I need to be in my life. God talked to me a lot about contentment.
  • About how important it is to capture moments, images, scents and sounds in our heart and mind, and not just on video or still. God talked to me a lot about appreciation.
  • About truly experiencing moments for what they are, and not over-analyzing things or rushing on to the next stage. God talked to me a lot about being present.
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This week we are intentionally being very quiet. Taking time to be still, and know that God is God. Helping our children adjust to their new surroundings and reality. Unpacking our boxes, hearts and minds. We don’t need to rush, there’s time for all.

We will abide, trust and obey.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for us last week as we packed and traveled. Your prayers, tweets, comments, texts and emails were all so encouraging! I may not post as frequently this week; we’re still in transition.

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