{On Losing}

You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might just find you get what you need. {The Rolling Stones}

It was in the back of my mind all weekend. I’m not going to lie: I wanted to win and I thought I had a pretty good chance.

Silas woke me up at 5:30 this morning. I resisted the urge to turn on the laptop before I fed him; I must have some priorities. After getting him milk-drunk and back to sleep, I nervously typed in the web address.

http://www.incourage.me

The post was live: And the 8 Relevant 2011 Sponsorships Go To…

As I scrolled through the post I willed my name to be there. It wasn’t.

Immediately my thoughts turned to encouraging the winners. Be happy for them. It has no impact on my merit as a writer. 

What is it within me that won’t let me be disappointed? It wasn’t until 10 minutes later when I was heading back to bed that I allowed myself to admit: I wish it had been me. A trip to Relevant 11, buoyed by the support of a great group of women like those found at (In)Courage, would have made me really happy. To meet face-to-face with so many I’ve met online {sigh}.

Where does it say in the Bible that we can’t feel disappointment? It must be in that same chapter that tells us we can’t accept compliments. Does rejoicing with others mean we minimize our sadness?

I didn’t get what I wanted, but I think I still got what I needed.

::

My main take-away from the conference this weekend was that I need to quit striving, and also quit holding myself back. That’s oxymoronic, right?

I’m desperate…

…for approval

…for recognition

…for success

That desperation creates a crazy monster inside of me that strives and grasps and envies and stinks. He wants me to claw my way to the top, take no prisoners, all’s fair in love and war. Everything is done out of selfish ambition and vain conceit, considering others as less than myself, and solely looking out for my own interests.

{That needs to stop}

Did I mention that my monster is lazy? For all his posturing, he doesn’t really do anything. It’s all attitude. His Achilles heel is FEAR; the fear inside of me that resists opportunities when they present themselves. I need to quit holding myself back. Which is exactly where this contest was good for me. I finally went for something.

::

I tried. I lost. But at least I tried.

And I’ll try again next time, all in the spirit that God is in control of the timing, and that the process itself is necessary.

“Write in obscurity. Take time. Don’t jump over the things you need to walk through slowly.” {Mary DeMuth}

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God Made a Mistake

I thought God messed up, or I heard Him wrong.

Why did He have me get a degree in Ministry & Leadership from a bible college, if He was then going to give me a desire to pursue writing?

Shouldn’t I have a degree in that?

Then He whispered, “You’re calling is ministry, your vehicle is writing.”

Oh…my mistake.

I spent all weekend working on a proposal for (in)courage & Dayspring. They’re giving away eight sponsorships to the Relevant Conference in October. I really hope I get one. If not, at least I learned a little bit more about myself and why I am doing what I’m doing. I also learned that I’m awful at selling myself.

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