It began with flutters that caused me to question what I was feeling. Is it the baby or my imagination? Over the next few weeks the movements grew stronger and took on a pattern. I knew at 5 AM when I couldn’t sleep that the baby would be awake too, jumping, bumping and swirling inside.
Now we’re at the stage where Josh and the kids can feel it happening. They can experience the growth I’ve known for the past few months. It’s no longer a private thing, but has become visible on the outside.
Yet still there is more to come. The internal calisthenics of my growing son will get stronger and become visible to more than my family. Then, on a day I don’t know, he’ll come out and we’ll all see what this new life is like.
Over the past few months there has been more growing inside of me than Baby #4.
I could sense it, questioned it. In moments of stillness I could feel movement. A new person is being formed.
It is not something I can control. It is not something I can take credit for. It is not something I can time.
God is doing a new thing in me and all I can do is sit back and wait to see what it looks like.
Be still and know.
These words have taken on new meaning for me. I’m not good at being still. I always felt like I was at my best when life was hectic. I’m an “in the moment” person. Knowing was something I prided myself in. I felt like I knew a lot.
Then God showed me that my activity, my knowledge, was misplaced. It was all to glorify myself. There’s more to that verse:
“Be still, and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10a
The point isn’t just to spend time in silence and stillness, waiting for Him to tell me something I could put into action. The point is to realign myself with the truth: He is God.
I can sense Him putting off my old self. The process of renewing my mind has been occurring without my assistance. I don’t know yet what the new self will look like.
In His timing, to His glory, changes are happening. Just like the movements of Baby #4, right now they’re still under the surface. Slowly I sense them growing stronger and becoming visible to those around me. When they are ready…when He is ready…it will burst forth in a new life.
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up;
do you not perceive it?”